I have an angel named Bettie helping me on Tuesdays and Fridays until my foot is healed. As I’m quite a perfectionist at home, I always complain about things not being in the right place or perfectly straight all the time. Yesterday while I was pushing and pulling everything where it should be I had the following comment thrown my way:

Me: Ek verstaan nie dat sy nie kan sien alles staan skeef nie.

Juan: Ma, miskien het sy net ‘n lui oog.

Ek is Hier…

Dis jou stilte wat my doof maak
En jou hartseer wat my laat huil
Dis wanneer ek aan jou hand raak
Dat jy dieper in jou skadu skuil

Laat gaan al jou kwaad
Wat jou emosies laat verdwyn
Want al jou verstoting
Laat my gevoelens vir jou wegkwyn

Jou vrese en jou angs
Weerspieël deur jou gedrag -
Is dit verkeerd en selfsugtig
As ek meer as dit verwag?

Ek is mos hier en my hart is oop
Al het jy joune al lankal verkoop
My arms is oop en my ore sal luister
Selfs as jy skree of as jy fluister

Begrawe jou skuldgevoel
In die donker grot waar jy skuil
Daar waar net jy is
En dit binne jou huil…

Chantelle Bekker (16)

Dis more ‘n jaar later en tog voel dit soos gister en tog ook soos lank, lank gelede. 

My Pa is dood, vir die tweede keer. Ek het hierdie diepe seer deurgegaan met my eie Pa ‘n klompie jare gelede en weer met my skoonPa.

Ek onthou toe ek die eerste keer vir Pa ontmoet het en ek het my doodgeskrik en gedog sjoe maar Kobie het ‘n kwaai Pa. Hierdie “kwaai” Pa het however baie diep in my hart gekruip en daar gebly om my lief te he sonder enige reservations.

Ek onthou die telefoonoproepe net om te se “hallo my kind”

Ek onthou die emails om te se “gee die bliksem se nommer, ek sal dit uitsort”

Ek onthou die gekookte eiers en padkos langs die highway op pad see toe

Ek onthou die opgewonde Juan as Oupa hom kom haal het vir die naweek

Ek onthou die vis en chips by Snoekies en die goggos op die strand

Ek onthou die Saterdae rugby

Ek onthou die groot man

Ek onthou die klein hartjie

Ek onthou die Geel Rose

Ek onthou ALLES

Ek het nog steeds Pa se nommer op my selfoon en al die emails wat Pa die laaste ruk aan my gestuur het. Ek lees hulle nog gereeld dan voel dit of Pa nog hier is.

Ek Mis Jou, Pa.

Mom’s (Kobie’s Mom) maid didn’t pitch today as a result of the strikes (as if that will help anyone), so I had to go care for Ouma.

Ouma had a birthday yesterday and she is a gorgeous Lady of 80 something years young. She has Alzheimers though and it tears my heart out to see the nothingness in her eyes sometimes.

She gets extremely upset with herself for being so “swak” as she calls it, but she insisted on getting out of bed and joining me in the lounge. I made us some tea and pies (with a little something sweet as well as she totally Loves it) and we had a little bit of a chat. We had our tea and then it was off to have a nice bath. The joy on her face on seeing the bubbles was so sincere and it reminded me that little things in life are also important. Needless to say, she’s still a girl as she lay in the bath for about an hour. So, if any man thinks that our bathroom rituals will be less time consuming in the future – ha ha – NOT.

We watched a bit of TV and I answered the same questions about five times, but it was nice spending some time with her. We had a good laugh as we watched Split Ends and she couldn’t understand that people will “teken prentjies” all over themselves and think it looks good (Ouma doesn’t know about my “prentjie” on my shoulder and I’m not telling either).

After our second cup of coffee she got really tired and I put her to bed. She thanked me about 15 times for coming and that in itself is more gratifying than anything else in life. She lay there all fragile and it was like laying a baby down for an afternoon nap.

I enjoyed spending time with Ouma today as it reminded me that even the tiny, smallest, “insignificant” things are important in the long run and the other “bigger”, “more important” things just fade away in comparison.

I do like a bit of drama, role play and fabulousness in my life so my Mom, Rene and I went to see Nataniel’s show on Wednesday evening and my oh my did I have a good time. It was my first time to any of his shows (yes I was a Nataniel virgin), but it was fantastic. I must say the two hours felt like ten minutes though.

This man has a way with words – he tells stories about ordinary people doing ordinary things in ordinary places but he makes it so interesting – some people can just tell a story and others should just shut the hell up. And the voice – I must admit I was quite shocked to hear such a strong singing voice coming from this man (as his “speaking” voice is um well different). And don’t forget the guy on the piano – fantastic (of course his surname is du Plessis – good genes).

This was Rene’s second “theatre experience” and definitely one of many more to come if is up to me, and guess what, It Is. I cannot believe that he has lived for 36 years without a bit of theatre in his life. I have now made it my personal mission to drag him kicking and screaming to every show possible as I think he lost out on something fabulous.

When I told Rene that I want to go to the show his reaction was all but enthusiastic as he reminded me that Nataniel is gay - As if that was a surprise! Well, gay or not, I love him; with the make-up the lack of hair and the strange voice – his interesting.

I also reminded Mr Know-It-All that this gay Nataniel has been doing this for a looooong time so I think he has a winning recipe going here.

My Mom (Kobie’s Mother) laughed so much and I was so happy to see her giggling like a school girl. Yay me for taking her!!!

Needless to say Rene actually enjoyed the show and had a bit of a laugh and a giggle – he looked sooo sexy. I do like a man with a sense of humour that enjoy life and laughter.

My birthday month is May and being an only child, this month was always only mine! Now I have to share this glorious month with so many other people and it’s just not fair. I feel like throwing a tantrum like only a two year old can. Our birthdays are as follows:

4 May – ME

13 May – Nena

15 May – Brian

16 May – Justin

17 May – Zane & Terri

22 May – Rene’s Mother

24 May – Ryan

25 May – Roelf

NOT FAIR.

I was used to being spoilt rotten on my birthday and my month (seeing that it’s the Mothers Day month as well) and let’s face it – I don’t share anything. I wish I was like Liewe Heksie and then I could just choose another month for my birthday.

The logistics involved in this month are exhausting. Which party to attend – who not of offend – where do we go first – what is the budget for all the presents (haha). So, I have now decided that we will definitely be attending Terri’s birthday as it’s her 21st (the only depressing thought here is that she was born in the year I finished matric) and also we will be at Zane’s party as it will be his 1st (yippee).

So, if any of you are planning to have any more babies please do your planning – MAY MONTH IS FULL.

Thank you

I’ve just read my “twin’s” blog and had myself a bit of a cry.

Sometimes I wonder what I have done wrong to have lost so many people in my life – Have I been THAT bad??? I often ask WHY ME? and never receive any answers. I would like to scream and shout the question from the roof tops (but I’m afraid of heights) hehehe.

People often say “that’s life” – well bullshit – THAT’s DEATH – meaningless, unnecessary and painful. Others say “it was his/her time to go” – What the fuck do they know about time? I still wanted a hug, a kiss, a smile, a ANYTHING.

This is for the people I love, I miss:

To Oom Piet - I miss your beard and your sense of humor – taken unexpectedly – people should not die at 33.

To Henna – I miss our dancing in the lounge at Ouma’s home, our little trips to nowhere, your love for your kids – although you were Ouma’s son, you were my brother and mate in all.

To Oupa – I miss your big hands, your eyes that said everything although you were a quiet man.

To Duppie (my biological Dad) – I miss you terribly. I miss being your “spinnekop” and “sproetjies”. I still have the image of you on the couch in the front room when I last saw you – I love you – always.

To Ouma – I miss the big hugs against your breasts, your love and passion for all of us, your helping hand although we thought we didn’t need it, your Sunday lunches cooking for an army, your welcoming little home where everybody felt warm and fuzzy inside.

To Kobie – I miss my hubby, my lover, my companion, my EVERYTHING. I miss your laughter, your eyes, your smile, your touch, your voice, your hair, your EVERYTHING. I will always love you. Jy was my rots wat my staande gehou het, my laat lag het, my laat leef het, my dinge laat ervaar het. Ons mis jou verskriklik.

To Pa – (Kobie’s Dad – my Father-in-law as they say but he was mine) – I miss you so much. Your voice shouting “Anna” when it’s time to go, your love for your children and family, your compassion, your very tiny little heart in that big body (we all knew that). Ons mis jou Pa.

I’m not very good company at the moment and conversations are at the bottom of my list today so if I didn’t answer the phone today, SORRY. Just some thoughts to get off my chest.

Why is it that men (or is it just my man) prefer to stay home on a weekend and not do anything???? I can / will not ever understand this as it totally does not make any sense at all. The only time we have together is on the weekend and I like to experience things TOGETHER – he on the other hand thinks that staying home, laying on the couch and watching movies is spending quality time together. For the life of me I don’t understand men! Needless to say that this weekend was a total waste of his “quality time”. Ha. Is it so wrong of me to expect him to spend all his free time with me? I do love the man but sometimes I just don’t like him very much, and the fact that he is as stubborn as I does not help matters at all.

Juan went on a quad rally this morning and came home with my brown (once white) quad, full of smiles and jolly - I do like it when he smiles and since Kobie passed this does not happen very often. He made real good friends since we moved here and now he spends his time riding / fishing and doing “normal” teenage things that I actually approve of instead of being in the mall the whole time (I don’t understand what they do in the mall for 6-8 hours at a time??). As a mom I am very happy that I made the decision to move, but for myself I cannot yet say with conviction that this was the best move, but I’ll keep you updated should this feeling change.

om jou weer te sien

om jou weer te soek

en jou in die hartklop van ‘n stom nag

te vind en teen my bors te druk,

teen myne;

o god om jou weer in te neem

in my te integreer

dat die oggend oor ons breek

soos vars waatlemoenskywe,

soos skywe;

dan sal ek weer

met ‘n bek vol pitte lag

en my voete afspoel

in die koelte van jou

vreemde alledaagsheid,

van joune.

- Koos Kombuis – Suburbia